Thursday, December 6, 2012

D-13 days... ATM (African Toilette Manual)

After a very embarrassing experience today I decided it was time to revise the ATM (African Toilette Manual and add one more step before the first one. Here is the updated list.

(Yes, just in case you were wondering, these are ALL based on painful first hand experiences!) J

There is one door that doesn't lock, it won’t even close properly. As you can see in the picture, inside the room there are 3 stalls, none of them have any doors. Keep in mind as you read the manual!

0. Check if there are others in already. Don’t assume it’s empty just because it’s quiet or be ready to shake hands with a military man who has just finished his business.

1. Roll up your trousers as high as you can while you are outside waiting.
2. Take a deep breath before you enter.
3. If you must take another breath, never breathe through your nose! Use your mouth unless you want to throw up!
4. Don’t put your cell phone, iPod, camera or even TP in your pocket as I guarantee it will fall out.
5. Be as fast as you can otherwise you can meet new friends WHILE you’re doing your business.
6. NEVER touch the walls! The brown decoration is not a 5 legged octopus imprint!
7. Watch where you step. Really!
8. Once you positioned your feet on the rocks, squat and keep your eyes closed!
9.  Aim slowly or you will get splash backs. Trust me, you don’t want that!
10. Put your clothes back on first BEFORE you start looking for the little bucket to wash off the remnants of your poor aiming skills.
11. Run to your hand sanitizer and use it generously BEFORE you touch your nose because you forgot to keep step 3! It’s just plain disgusting!
12.  Pray to God you will sweat out the next batch and don’t have to return again.

And the lucky number 13: 
Because it’s hot and you keep drinking to avoid the dehydration-headache you need to go soon again, but by this time the bucket is empty, the hole in the ground disappeared thanks to people with no aiming skills and yes, you involuntarily smelled what's inside and now you have a throwing-up-headache. Congratulations!

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